I know I closed the doors, but I'll open them briefly, because I need to pour out my heart. Today, especially I do.
Thanks to the transitions I alluded to earlier in my last flog post, which I was so optimistic about, I have spent Christmas alone, I have sat in the front pew of church, alone, for my father's memorial service and this New Year's Eve, when the tire on the ZipCar I had rented got destroyed, I stood outside of it, praying my cell phone wouldn't run out of battery while I called for help, alone, and freezing to boot.
Was I on my way somewhere glamorous? No. I was coming back from the 7pm service at church. Alone. Thankfully, three strangers stopped to help me and I made it back to my apartment by 10:30, where I collapsed, cried from all the stress (I'm liable for the tire even though I didn't cause the damage) and passed out. I woke up at 1:20 am, the "moment" having passed me by. The only other time I have "slept through" a new year was the night of my Father's funeral, December 31, 1998. Not a good way to commence a fresh 365 days, in my opinion. I wasn't as blue as I might have been, about not having gone out, since-- you guessed it-- I was alone.
Noticing a theme here?
It wasn't supposed to be like this. But "transitions" are for grown-ups who make trade-offs and this sentence contains three things I have severe issues with, not that I have any choice in the matter. Transitions are turning out to be far more challenging than I anticipated. I think that G-d has a plan for me which I am alternately petrified of and confused by, and I'm not good with plans to begin with.
I've been upset all week, since the Memorial service because like the trifecta of bad days (the date he lost consciousness, the date he passed away, the date we buried him), December brings triumvirates of different sorts: as of last year, three immediate family members have died in the final week of the year, and potentially forever, there are three "holidays" which haven't felt jolly since I lost my greatest ally. First comes Christmas, which I can kind of ignore, because I can say Orthodox Christmas is later. Then comes New Year's, which I can kind of ignore, because I'm numb from grief and the avalanche of memories at that point. Finally, there is my birthday. One of my Father's favorite days. A blessed day, until several years ago.
We had the option of burying my father on my birthday, but my mother refused, saying she didn't think it was wise to mar it thusly. The only other available day was December 31st. NYE. That meant many terrible things, like a rushed service because the funeral home was closing at noon, low attendance because people couldn't make travel plans fast enough (he passed away only two days before) and the impossibility for those who needed visas to get them, to pay their respects. "But I cannot ruin your birthday," my well-meaning, beautiful mother said. "But it already is," I replied, only to have her say I was wrong.
I wasn't wrong.
It's ruined.
She should have just held the funeral then, so more people could have said good-bye to him. They deserved to.
::
Aside from that lovely dinner I had at Zaytinya with a few of you, in the last few years, my birthdays have been disappointing at best, disastrous at worst. The only reason Zaytinya was amazing is because I rescheduled my birthday. I postponed it. Maybe that's what I should always do, so that there's a bit of space between the 4th (the day I always felt like *my* year started) and all the sadness.
This year, my "plans" fell through, and it's nobody's fault; we live in an adult world, where work dictates life. If work won't allow for celebrating, nothing can be done. So nothing will be done. But I only found this out in the last few days. And what I had looked forward to for months will not come. Disappointment atop depression.
It seems petty and stupid, and immature since I'll be 33, but this just depresses me. I want to turn the corner on this bleak holiday season. I want to be happy in that silly, temporary way. I want to be excited about my life changing in this tiny significant form. I want my birthday to be happy.
::
I miss all of you. I love Facebook, but I'm worried it is not the same, that I am missing the moments and milestones of your lives. I don't want to miss any of it. At the same time, fotolog feels different now, with the ads and other tweaks. I'm not quite so willing to let this sweetness slip away...
On January 04 2008
9 Views
discoinnfierno
On 05/05/2008
Heey, I'm Nayla.. I'm from Argentina :)
Here's my mail naylu95@hotmail.com
Add me if you want :D
A kiss, Good luck :)
0wo__x
On 03/05/2008
another_____girl dijo en 27/04/08 12:53
I saw the pic of your marriage in the principal page of fotolog. it's very pretty :)
Same :D!
Have a nice day (:
divinelove
On 29/04/2008
Hello! how are you? I well. passage through this fotolog to leave my greetings. I wish you the best
another_____girl
On 27/04/2008
I saw the pic of your marriage in the principal page of fotolog. it's very pretty :)
smillinggirl
On 25/04/2008
hi!! my name is stephie and i'm from argentian, i would also be gratefull if you visit my fotolog :)
my e-mail adress is estefii.lp1@hotmail.com
i wish you're ok
kisses!!
groso_kpo
On 25/04/2008
hola
como estas?
expero ke bien
no solo pasaba
para saludar
chau
Pd: No te conozco
pero me pareces muy hermosa
te dejo mi msn asi hablamos(si keres)
eduardo.maxy@hotmail.com
scorps1027
On 10/01/2008
adorable picture! i know it's late to comment on here--but, happy birthday!!!! and i know daddy is looking from above so proud of you and just wishing YOU would be proud of yourself! Celebrate as you wish, whatever is comfortable for you. I imagine it'll never get easier, but that somehow you'll find a way to manage the grief and celebrate the day of your birth. after all, your daddy was so elated on that day, it's only fair to his memory that you celebrate in the grandest, fiercest way possible, just like he did for you when he was here on earth. it'd only do his memory justice:)
soulsysta
On 08/01/2008
Happy Birthday honey! And you are strength defined - don't you ever forget that. Muah!
momof3
On 06/01/2008
Happy New Year and Happy Birthday Anna! I think to postpone your birthday would be a mistake. The sadness your experiencing now, I totally understand (My Dad passed way when I was in 9th grade and , my mom after I graduated from HS & before Thanksgiving) so this time is very hard on you. . I feel your pain and understand it. Like you were talking about transition, we must face this and learn to move forward, so that sadness does not surround you during the anniversary of his death, when it does, remember the good time and gain your strength from that. I am sure that your Dad would not want you to be sad; he would want you to be happy. Know that he is in a better place and he has peace. After my parents death, I had to find this out and understand it for myself. I pray that you understand it and find peace Anna. God Bless You!
malvado218
On 04/01/2008
Hi Anna
Happy New Year
&
Happy Birthday!!!
What you wrote above sounds like a cry for help...I think you should get it.....I also think you should celebrate your birthday like he would want you to.
I hope the best for you
=)
kovoor36
On 04/01/2008
i think its a good idea to postpone your bday and be able to truly enjoy the day and you, which is the point!! wishing you a fabulous year!
cantony
On 04/01/2008
I think postponing your birthday is a very good idea.
There's no law saying you MUST celebrate your life on the anniversary of your day of birth. Just look at Christmas. And all the people who was born on February 29. And the people that, for some reason or the other, don't know what day they were born. Everyone needs a day to celebrate their life.
For now, Best wishes for a good year in life, my scrabulous buddy.
shirleyjohn
On 04/01/2008
Happy Birthday to the one who loves Chemical Engineers. Just know you have friends and family who love you very much and wish only the best for you. Nicholas misses his canon camera aunty.
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