Nobody who has not previously been suicidal can fully imagine the pain you are experiencing right now. You are trying to maintain your outer life as you think it should be lived and seen, but secretly you may be trying to figure out how to end your life prematurely, whether gracefully or not. The surges of deep agony you are experiencing may often become unbearable. You may grit your teeth often, or even sometimes writhe on the floor.
Perhaps you are already seeing a therapist or a doctor, but you can't bear the thought of telling him or her about your secret feelings or plans. You may have determined to solve your problem yourself, to carry it through to its conclusion, no matter what the consequences for you, your family, and your friends. Within you there may be a bleak doubting of your worth, a blank wall where the future used to be.
You may be researching ways to end your life, hoping for the least amount of pain that will lead to an imagined release into oblivion. You may be deciding upon the perfect place, and you may be mentally composing the perfect message to leave behind.
On May 05 2007
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